Mindy Fortune

There’s a lot on Earth to hate. Some people. Some places. When you get gum stuck to your shoes. Paying a lot of money for a dinner that wasn’t good. Waiting for the dryer to finish drying your clothes only to realize it’s broken and you’ve been waiting an hour and your clothes are still wet. We can all come together in our hate for certain things. I would like to voice my particular hate on dirty dishes. They’re everywhere. They fill my sink, they cover my table, I even found a water bottle that was filled with old clumpy milk behind my couch cushion the other day. They stink, they’re covered in other people’s germs and once I clean them, they are back the very next day. In my house, I do the dishes a lot. But, if you ask my family, they would say they all do the dishes a lot. That’s how many dishes we have. A lot. Before you say, “well why don’t you just get a dishwasher?” I have one! And guess what? It runs hot water and soap on the dishes but that’s about all it does. We have to pre clean the dishes before we put them in the dishwasher. Of course we waste more water doing that, of course it takes more time, and of course that’s not what it said on the box when we bought the dishwasher. Okay I’m lying, we didn’t buy the dishwasher, it came with our place. But I’m sure when the dishwasher was purchased it was not proudly displaying, “Twice the time! Half the clean!” 

It’s disgusting, having to scrap and chisel other people’s scraps from the plates. And don’t even get me started if you eat oatmeal and have to soak your bowl for a while to unstick all the little oats from the side. Now not only am I looking at a dirty dish, I’m looking at the disgusting morsels someone couldn’t scoop into their mouth floating around in a cesspool of water and oats. Blech. I know that dishes are technically a chore but I actually don’t mind some chores. I don’t mind folding clothes. I don’t mind vacuuming. Heck, I don’t even mind cleaning the bathroom as much as I despise doing the dishes. The way the water makes your fingers wrinkle up because I never think it’ll take as long as it does so why bother with the gloves? How you have to sometimes use your fingernails to uncrust the melted cheese someone decided to microwave onto a plastic plate. Then how sometimes you finally finish a long bout of doing dishes and want to unwind by taking a nice, hot shower only to discover that you’ve used all the hot water doing the disgusting germ populated dishes, and there’s not a drop of hot water left for you to enjoy! Maybe someday someone will invent a dishwasher for the dishwasher. For now, I begrudgingly hold that title. Not as great as my ‘lock myself in my room, turn on the latest true crime doc and fold the laundry’ title I also secretly proudly maintain. 

The problem with humans is that we eat too much and produce so much waste. I don’t mean the inevitable 30 minute bathroom vacay after dippin into a Baskin Robbins. I mean that a lot of our food comes in packaging that is very wasteful. Now, I know I’m in the minority here, but food doesn’t really excite me. I like eating when it’s delicious, but most food we eat every day is none too thrilling. Which is why my son Xavier and I have come up with the food for the future. It’s a way to produce less waste, give everyone access to a healthy, balanced diet, and have everyday food taste good! “Is this your next million dollar idea” you may be wondering? This is a world changing idea. So here goes, I’ll try my best to explain the idea with no scientific or real world backing at all, that we came up with. 

We get rid of food entirely. All food is gone. No more eating animals. No more eating things that grow. No more fast food restaurants on every corner of the street. No more deciding what to eat everyday. Not even anymore cooking. These details already have me salivating. Everyone has a tube hookup in their house much like the way we get electricity and there are telephone poles everywhere, there will be “telephone poles” delivering these tubes also. There are 3 tubes that lead into your kitchen. Or rather, the room that your kitchen used to be, as you won’t be cooking in it anymore. Each tube contains a different meal choice for that day. Say it’s breakfast, you could have a choice between pancakes, eggs or cereal. The only thing you have buy from a store is the “host” for the flavor. The “host” looks like a big marshmallow but has no flavoring of it’s own, but contains all the necessary vitamins and minerals you need for that meal. You take a “host” and stick your choice of tube for that meal into it, and a flavoring shoots into it. The flavoring does not add any calories, fat, artificial anything. (Actually my 9 year old and I were gonna leave it up to real scientists and maybe Willy Wonka to figure out how to make the flavorings) It simply adds flavor. So you eat the same thing everyday, but it’s also different. And if you wanna eat pizza and cheeseburgers everyday of your life, you’ll be just as healthy as someone who picks salad and fish everyday. There, problem solved. Man, that was so easy. I should go work in the government. 

Well it’s been quite a while since I’ve written a blog. Not sure if blogging is still even a thing or if maybe I should be mumble rapping this or taking artsy pictures of food depicting my story. Anyway, I’m old school, so I’m going to type it on my computer that I can put anywhere I want and it doesn’t even have to be plugged in. I tried to write a letter recently. Well, I did write a letter, in fact I think I might start doing it on a regular basis but dang, those are finger muscles that aren’t used anymore. I got through like 2 pages and I was like, “okay, well that’s where the end of this letter is.” Literally, that was my sign off. Not Sincerely, Mindy. Not Love, Mindy. Just, okay, I’m done. I’m hoping they’ll appreciate the thought. Which brings me to the season.

It’s almost Hanukkah and almost almost Christmas. Presents. Who ever thought of the saying it’s better to give than to receive never had to give to people that don’t need anything. Seriously, I’m not trying to be all first world here, but you know what it’s like to try and pick out a present for someone that just buys from the top shelf of the grocery store? Or the people that wave out matches instead of just blowing them out. That’s inhumane. But I do have the answer.

You guys are going to thank me for this. The absolute best answer for anyone who has to buy something for someone that has everything. Buy them a 4 pack of Charmin Toilet Paper. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Mindy, some people have wells and can’t use that fancy 2 ply.” This is where the GIFT comes in. They use it, only them. It’s not gonna F up their septic if it’s just them using it, and only for a short amount of time, well enough time for them to go through a 4 pack. I’m just saying, I live in an apartment that I rent, so you better believe my booty is living the good life with Charmin, and all those fancy people in your family that live in big houses and have crazy septic tanks that you have to practically wipe with your own hand, they would freak out if you gave them a personal supply of Charmin. It’s like buying them an all expense paid trip to the Islands….for their booty.

I laid my 4 month old Xavier, on his belly to take a nap 30 minutes ago (despite all the warnings I found on Google) and although he’s probably enjoying the most peaceful sleep he’s ever had, I’ve already checked on him (7), wait….(8) times. I blame Google. Since the night I went into …

I had a baby 3 months ago today. His name is Xavier and he is pretty rad. I have to say though, that I’m still not used to being a Mom.  I have no idea what I’m doing, and probably won’t for another 54 years from now. I figure by the time he’s 54 and 3 months, I might have more of an idea about how to do this whole …

PRESS PLAY TO HEAR ME READ THIS BLOG TO YOU!

I work with dogs so the downside is that I have to pick up a lot of their poop, but the upside is that they don’t think it smells like …

PRESS PLAY TO HEAR ME READ THIS BLOG TO YOU!

Are you aware that lions sleep like 20 hours a day? Can you even fathom doing that on a daily basis? How would you spend your …

PRESS PLAY TO HEAR ME READ THIS BLOG TO YOU!

Have you ever eaten a lot of carrots and felt sick? Sometimes I find that if I eat carrots on an empty stomach, they make me nauseous. Boy did I just not know how to spell …